Today I turned 40 years old. January 22nd, 2014. This is the year and these are 40 things going through my mind in no particular order and pretty uncensored so please don’t judge or hate me. Cool? Cool.
1. I don’t feel the way I thought I would when I was a teenager or in my twenties or even in my thirties. I mean this physically and mentally. I am in better physical shape than I was at all those ages and mentally in some ways better and in others worse. I’m still searching and still struggling and when I was younger I thought it would all have fallen into place by now.
2. What are girls going to think? I’m still single. Are my options dwindling away? Will girls approach me with suspicion and caution always wondering why I’m still single at 40?
3. Why am I still single?
4. I have to get my first prostate exam this year. Fuck.
5. I gave up on my dreams of playing music in my mid twenties. Why did I do that? Is it too late to turn back and try again?
6. If my father was still alive would he be proud of the man I’ve become? Or would he be as frustrated as I am that I haven’t accomplished the big goals I set out to when I left NY for LA?
7. I care so much less what other people think than I did even just one year ago. That’s a good feeling. There is a freedom to it.
8. Will I get to travel more? I have this ticking clock fear that the opportunities to see more of the world are dying. Will my job, a relationship, some financial catastrophe or some other obstacle get in the way of me traveling more? Maybe even some kind of physical problem will show up.
9. We are all slowly deteriorating. Eating right and exercising only slows this or masks it. It’s happening at every moment of everyday and there’s nothing to prevent or reverse it.
10. How much more will I have to workout in order to stay in shape? It’s starting to take up too much of my life as it is. Will this just get worse?
11. Will I ever not stress about eating right? Can’t I just be one of those people who seem to not give a fuck and eat what they want everyday?
12. I’ll never be able to eat what I want everyday.
13. If I get fat and unhealthy will I ever find a girl that will love me? Maybe I’ve been wasting all my time trying to look good and be healthy. Maybe the girl of my dreams wants a lazy sloppy fat guy. I was that guy once. I still wasn’t having any luck.
14. Will I ever sell a god damn fucking screenplay?
15. Leaving NY was a great decision and I haven’t regretted it at all. I miss New York and wish I accomplished more before 40, but I also accomplished a lot of the things I dreamt of while sitting in my tiny room in Astoria, Queens.
16. Am I ever going to own a home? Do I want to own a home?
17. Music before 2005 is still 1000 times better than anything since.
18. How can I stop myself from getting more jaded about work and life? I don’t want to lose the excitement for it all that I had in my early thirties.
19. Will I run out of good ideas?
20. I really hope I’ll do at least one thing that will be remembered. Preferably something that makes people laugh really hard.
21. How many more years are left?
22. High school and college literally feel like another life sometimes. I think back to those days and who I was and it feels like a different person. I was a different person. I used to be more fun in college. I think. Less inhibited. That probably lasted into my mid thirties. Somewhere along the way I lost that spirit. Is it gone forever? What’s clouding me now?
23. When I think about being a kid, a teenager, in college and all the major periods of life I get this little moment of dread and disbelief that I won’t be back there. Never back in my childhood bedroom. Never back in high school. Never back to relive all those long lost parts of my life. A part of me still feels like I’ll get another shot at it all. Accepting that I won’t is hard and scary.
24. I am really glad I wasn’t able to play sports in high school and started playing guitar instead. The guitar became a part of my identity as much as being a writer has later in life. I never feel as comfortable as I do when I’m alone at home playing guitar like I did for hours and hours a day in high school. The closest I can get to turning back time.
25. Will my back and knee pains just get worse and will I have to stop running one day?
26. Will I die alone?
27. Which of my friends will I know when I’m sixty and seventy and until the day I die?
28. Death. Holy fuck. Why?
29. I need to save more money.
30. Will I ever have a kid? I still do not even feel at all prepared to raise a child. I guess there’s never really a perfect time for it though.
31. Do I want kids?
32. How many more girls will I sleep with in my lifetime. Sometimes I’m not sure I’m ready to settle down, but then I realize I’m not exactly a casanova.
33. I need to start reading more.
34. I should get the hell off Facebook. It’s a distraction and evil and I’m getting too old to share the bullshit in my life.
35. I still like Instagram though.
36. Discovering the Marc Maron and Pete Holmes podcasts in the past year has been a real joy and almost therapeutic.
37. Maybe I should try therapy again. For real this time.
38. What would I do if I lost my job? How hard will it be to find something new at 40?
39. Why did I write this list? Is it helping me? Will someone else get anything positive from it?
40. I hope I can get a good night sleep tonight. I’m sure my brain will just race and I’ll have another 40 thoughts to write down.