Brian Lerner

Tips for Success on New Year’s Eve

Tip #1 - Just because you hated last year, doesn’t mean everyone else did too

For many of you, New Year’s Eve isn’t so much a celebration as it is a funeral. It is a perfect way to say good-bye with a big fuck you to the previous year that nearly killed you or made you want to kill yourself. For the other half of the population, this is a much more hopeful night with positive reflection on the last year and excitement for the new one to come. Do not ruin this for them. Keep your misery bottled up for just this one night if you are indeed lucky enough to be around people and not home alone in the dark crying. When talking to others, follow their cheery lead and agree that the next year is going to be “totally awesome” and “the best year yet.” Lift your glass, toast with a smile and always be sure to say “happy new year” each and every time. Avoid mentioning that your loved one cheated on you, you lost your job, you’ve never felt more alone in your life and that death is the only thing that brings you comfort at the end of the day. Any expression of regret, anguish or misery will put a damper on the night of anyone that speaks to you and is flat out selfish. Do this too many times and you will surely be as alone as you irrationally feel. 

This New Year’s Eve, if you’re down in the dumps and sick of it all just pretend you’re Al Pacino with your sights set on another Oscar playing the role of Happy McHappy in the new film by Ron Howard, Life is Awesome and So Am I! Save the dark tales of hopelessness for your shrink.

Happy New Year Everyone!!!!  

Tips for Success During the Holidays

Tip #1 - Fuck it

All year long you’re doing the right thing, drinking in moderation, eating healthy, trying to impress people, pretending you care, working hard for little money, suffering through endless early mornings, conference calls with assholes, terrible dates with terrible people that lead to regrettable sex, family phone calls to hear how disappointed they are in you, missed opportunities, not living up to your potential, dealing with piles of laundry, dealing with piles of bullshit and bad hair days. 

Well, if the holiday season has any meaning at all it is that for this one short period of time during the year we all get a complete pass on everything that exhausts us all year long. Want to drink too much and make a fool of yourself in front of friends and family? Fuck it. Go ahead. You deserve it. Don’t want to shower or shave your privates for a week despite what your girlfriend thinks? Fuck it. Tell her to shut the hell up and do the same. You’ll both stew in your hairy smelliness together and be all the more in love because of it. Feel like telling the people you can’t stand most in your life to go to hell? Fuck it. Go ahead. What’s the worst that will happen? You’ll no longer have to deal with people you can’t stand anymore? Win! 

The holidays are a free pass. It is the recharge for the year to come. Let the real you rear it’s head and just say fuck it. Taking this time to be the person you really want to be will prepare you for another year of faking it.

Fuck it! Go ahead. Say it out loud right now. It’ll feel great. Happy Holidays!!!

An Open Letter to Apple

Apple, considering the light from your devices is the only source of light my face absorbs 94.7% of the day, everyday, it would be awesome if you added some UV rays in your screens to keep me from looking so pastey. Thanks much.

Tips to Success in Life

Tip #2 - Never Commit To Anything Early

Never commit to anything too soon except committing to not committing to anything too soon. This little gem of advice is a double win.

First, when you do not say “yes” right away you leave open the possibility to do something much, much better. Once you say yes and lock in that commitment you instantly close the door on so many of life’s incredible possibilities, like a 3am run to Tijuana for a chimichanga and some Viagra. (Note to self; never go back to Tijuana) For instance, it’s the holiday season. You’ve been invited to a party by a co-worker. On the surface it sounds like a fine party, but really, how can you know? You can’t. If you say yes right away you risk losing out on that other much more amazing party you get invited to last minute by your single friend who always, always gets you laid. Now what? You can’t possibly turn around and say no to the co-worker. You have to see them everyday and they will never get over it hence making work even more miserable than it is everyday already. You’re screwed. End of story.

Second, pretending you are too busy, have lots of options or simply are too good for people trying to hang out with you makes them want you even more. This kind of power is invaluable. Embrace. Use it to get things. (more on this in Tip #7 - Take advantage of people before they take advantage of you)

Always hold out for number one or you just might end up stepping in number two.