Brian Lerner

Tips for Success in Web Video

Tip #1 - Ride Coattails

When it comes to online video, with rare exception originality takes a backseat to happenstance and parody. Think about all the “viral” videos you’ve seen shared on Facebook usually with the accompanying message, “OMG! This is hysterical! You HAVE to see this!” More often than not, it is a spoof of some current events story, a crude home video capturing a cat hugging a dog or a new version of that other video you just saw two days ago only now with Auto-Tune. When seeking adoration and praise in online video it’s much easier and smarter to align yourself with something that’s already done the hard work rather than come up with a winner all on your own. After all, the Internet is a collaborative space right? What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is yours… until it starts making me money and then I’ll sue your fucking ass.

So, next time you’re ready to tackle the next big project that you’re sure will stand out from the sewer of content invading our lives everyday because it’s so clever and original and really exploits the beauty of the Internet in every way, just forget it. You will be much better off simply waiting outside the dentist office with a video camera waiting for some drugged up kid to piss on his mom’s leg on the way out. LOL! 

Tips for Success in the Entertainment Industry

Tip# 9 - Want it less

Whether you want to be a comedian, an actor, musician or writer, wanting it too much will be your ultimate downfall. Desperation is a near guarantee that you’ll never attain the things in life you are after. Whether it’s a three picture deal at Universal or a threesome with your girlfriend, the more you want it the less chance you’ll ever get it.

The people you most want to impress and influence can smell the stink of desperation a mile away, get turned off by it and will shun you like the poor girl in elementary school that wore torn jeans and smelled like trash. It didn’t matter that her parents couldn’t afford new clothes or soap. One look at her desperate, starving face and all the kids on the playground instinctively hurled rocks at her everyday until she was forced to be tutored at home through high school graduation. This is simply an analogy and by no means represents a real incident or person especially not a girl named Cathy Sanders.

No matter how you really feel inside, or how many nights you cried yourself to sleep, or contemplated suicide if you should never reach your goals always be sure to bottle up those pesky emotions. The more people think you have it “together” and don’t really care the more they themselves will be desperate to work with you. It’s a lot like dating.

Remember, no one likes a “Cathy.”

Me - An Abridged History

When I was in the 6th grade I borrowed my neighbors video camera to make a horror movie with a few friends. This state-of-the-art piece of technology allowed you to load the VHS tape right into the camera itself and had a microphone mounted just above the lens. No need to hang the record deck on your shoulder or hold an external microphone like previous versions. This was just the right piece of equipment our imaginations needed. 

I lead our effort as the director, cinematographer, composer and killer in our homage to classic slasher films. While three of my friends were designated the helpless and doomed victims, a fourth friend happily followed me around during the shoot with a Casio keyboard looping our theme music in the background. The movie was shot in one long, precisely choreographed take. In the style of John Carpenter’s opening scene of Halloween, the audience witnessed the bloodbath from the killer’s P.O.V.

First up was a peacefully sleeping boy in an upstairs bedroom suddenly woken by a steak knife slashing wildly into his back. The terror on my friends face will haunt me forever. Or maybe it was the inability to not laugh hysterically and ruin my shot. Next, the killer would make his way through the house to the backyard where he finds a star gazing boy on a four-foot high deck. One swift push and that budding astrologer ends up face down on the grass. The audience needed to suspend disbelief here. The final victim was discovered in a wooded area in the backyard and set ablaze with a can of hair spray and a lighter. This was the money shot. With only moonlight shining on the victim, the dark scene seemed more like crude CGI of flames flying through the air than my best friend on fire dropping and rolling on the ground. With a final measure of our theme music playing on the Casio we fade to black.

We immediately screened the movie, rewinding our favorite moments over and over again. The laughter each time losing none of its energy. No matter how many times we watched the same moment we all laughed as if it was the first time. It was one of the most memorable nights of my childhood.

Weeks later, my debut film would be inadvertently erased by my mother who needed to recorded an episode of Days of Our Lives. Apparently, the days of my life were not as important as the poorly scripted ones on TV.

Tips for Success in the Entertainment Industry

Tip #8 - Have superficial relationships

Creating strong bonds with other human beings although essential to a healthy and happy long life will actually prove to be a huge obstacle when you need to climb over them on your way to fame and power.

The rationale here is simple. The weaker the emotional connection to other human beings the easier it is to leave them behind, take advantage of them, deceive them for personal gain and completely erase them from ones memory once you reach the pinnacle of your aspirations.

People not as ambitious as you will do nothing more than hold you back and those as ambitious as you will do nothing more than create additional competition during your journey. Keep both of these types of people in check emotionally and you’ll have no problem dusting them under the rug when the time comes. And let’s face it, once you’re a huge success you’ll have access to better looking, more important people. Save your energy for them.

Me - An Abridged History

When I was 12 years old I had surgery to correct a problem with my right hip. Three three-inch pins were put into my femur to hold the ball and socket joint in place. My cautious doctor insisted I stay in a wheelchair for three months after the procedure to heal properly and avoid any potential accident crutches might lead to.

One night my father decides to take me to Jones Beach on Long Island to wheel around the boardwalk and breathe some fresh ocean air (it was still fresh back then). We stop to stare out at the waves. After a few moments of soothing quiet my father turns to me and says, “Brian, the doctor told your mother and I something while you weren’t in the room. He told us you’re never going to get out of that wheelchair.” My stunned and frozen stare was quickly broken by his hysterical laughter. “Did you believe me?” he said. This was my father’s idea of a good joke. It wasn’t the first or the last. 

Tips for Success in the Entertainment Industry

Tip #7 - Have more childhood trauma

Childhood traumas come in all varieties. Like Tip #1 coming from a broken home, nearly all other traumatic events that take place from birth to late teens will cause irreversible emotional damage. What ever the trauma may be, your brain will bury it deep in the depths of your subconscious only to arise in the most unpredictable of ways years later. Some of you may grow up to be serial killers, but the lucky ones end up being super stars like Debbie Gibson.

Trauma may include such things as being teased at school for your horrendous overbite, that time you shit your pants while having dinner at a friends house or maybe you simply got the crap beat out of you by your alcoholic father while your mom laughed in the corner wearing nothing but a pink tube top and stockings.

Don’t just sit back and expect trauma to come to you though. You need to do your part and instigate it as much as possible. Wear your jeans inside-out to school and see how your peers react. Steal the family car and let a raccoon have sex with a squirrel in the backseat while the neighbors dog masturbates on the stick-shift. Or keep it simple and pee on the floor of a 7-11.

When it comes to unlocking the inner ingredients to success, repressed and horrific memories are better than four years at Julliard.

Me - An Abridged History

The third word I ever learned was fuck. My grandmother taught me it. She said I should use it anytime I get frustrated. I’ve since gotten incredibly good use out of it. 

The first word I ever learned was mom followed by cookie. Mom, cookie, fuck. If you reverse the order you pretty much understand my priorities in life.

Years later I would learn creative ways to use all three of these words in a sentence. “Mom, make me some fucking cookies” Or, “Mom, these cookies fucking suck.” 

Tips for Success in the Entertainment Industry

Tip #6 - Be less original

No one likes a braggart. Original ideas in the entertainment industry will be met with jealousy and confusion. People will either resent you for an original idea because they wish they had come up with it first or they’ll be flat out confused from years and years of exposure to rehashed creative expression. Want to get ahead in this world? Then dial it back a few notches.

Look at what has worked before and change just enough to make it seem fresh and new. Rather than be creative, it is better to be crafty. Assemble familiar and beloved elements together in a unique way and people will accept it as something original. Instead of four guys throwing a bachelor party in Vegas, take five bridesmaids on a wild R-rated adventure. Expose a new generation to a classic beloved story of star-crossed lovers only this time with rock music. Dust off some 1970’s comedy and replace the white guy with Chris Rock.

Stop trying so hard to create an original voice. You’ll only be shunned for it. If you really want to make your mark simply build off the originality of those before you. Trust me, they’ll be flattered and you’ll get all the credit. 

Tips for Success in the Entertainment Industry

Tip #5 - Come from a famous family

The Baldwins, The Wayans, The Arquettes and Nicolas Cage. What do they all have in common? They’re famous families. I know what you’re saying. “Nicolas Cage doesn’t have a famous last name. Who the fuck are the Cages?” Nicolas Cage does indeed come from a very famous family. He’s part of the Coppola dynasty, but decided to use a stage name in an attempt to trick us all into thinking he was a self-made movie star. It’s people like him that give the regular non-famous family offspring false hope. Don’t be fooled. If it wasn’t for his famous family Nicholas Cage would simply be making horrible life choices instead of horrible movie choices. 

Coming from a famous family leads to all sorts of advantages and opportunities. Rather then spending years and years building relationships through aggressive networking and regrettable sexual encounters, when you come from a famous family all you need to do is ask mommy or daddy to make a phone call and next thing you know you’ll be dancing like a monkey for Hollywood’s biggest directors or perhaps personally handing your demo to P. Diddy. 

If you weren’t born into a famous family there is still hope. You can always marry someone famous. Or perhaps rent out a pool house and run errands for a famous person. The key is being creative about how you connect yourself to famous people. Being friends with them isn’t always enough. You want to leverage the relationship with embarrassing photos or voicemail messages.

Some people will try and convince you talent is the most important weapon of success. Don’t listen. The nuclear bomb is nepotism.  

Tips for Success in the Entertainment Industry

Tip #3 - Be more lucky

Every year millions of people take part in desperate acts of moral compromise, duplicitousness, self-destruction and the occasional compromise of sexual preference all in an attempt to get ahead in the entertainment industry. The desire to win the admiration and envy of the masses leads to incredibly regretful behavior. To all of you hopefuls, I do not want to say that your efforts have been an embarrassingly huge waste of time that you’ll spend thousand of dollars on therapy recovering from, but I will say that they have little or not effect on your chance of success. Turns out, all you really need is to be more lucky.  

I know, this sounds too simple and too good to be true, but trust me it is. Luck’s role in the rise of the famous and powerful has for centuries been overshadowed by antiquated ideas of working hard, networking and honing your craft. Sure, you need to do all of those things because what else are you going to spend your time on, but in the end the single most important factor to achieving your goals is having more luck in your life.

Unfortunately, there is no proven way to bring more luck into your life. Everyone from Jimi Hendrix (acid) to Tara Reid (blowjobs) has claimed to have the answer to unlocking luck, but in the end having more luck really just comes down to being more lucky.

Good luck!