Brian Lerner

Tips for Success During the Holidays

Tip #1 - Fuck it

All year long you’re doing the right thing, drinking in moderation, eating healthy, trying to impress people, pretending you care, working hard for little money, suffering through endless early mornings, conference calls with assholes, terrible dates with terrible people that lead to regrettable sex, family phone calls to hear how disappointed they are in you, missed opportunities, not living up to your potential, dealing with piles of laundry, dealing with piles of bullshit and bad hair days. 

Well, if the holiday season has any meaning at all it is that for this one short period of time during the year we all get a complete pass on everything that exhausts us all year long. Want to drink too much and make a fool of yourself in front of friends and family? Fuck it. Go ahead. You deserve it. Don’t want to shower or shave your privates for a week despite what your girlfriend thinks? Fuck it. Tell her to shut the hell up and do the same. You’ll both stew in your hairy smelliness together and be all the more in love because of it. Feel like telling the people you can’t stand most in your life to go to hell? Fuck it. Go ahead. What’s the worst that will happen? You’ll no longer have to deal with people you can’t stand anymore? Win! 

The holidays are a free pass. It is the recharge for the year to come. Let the real you rear it’s head and just say fuck it. Taking this time to be the person you really want to be will prepare you for another year of faking it.

Fuck it! Go ahead. Say it out loud right now. It’ll feel great. Happy Holidays!!!

Tips to Success in Life

Tip #2 - Never Commit To Anything Early

Never commit to anything too soon except committing to not committing to anything too soon. This little gem of advice is a double win.

First, when you do not say “yes” right away you leave open the possibility to do something much, much better. Once you say yes and lock in that commitment you instantly close the door on so many of life’s incredible possibilities, like a 3am run to Tijuana for a chimichanga and some Viagra. (Note to self; never go back to Tijuana) For instance, it’s the holiday season. You’ve been invited to a party by a co-worker. On the surface it sounds like a fine party, but really, how can you know? You can’t. If you say yes right away you risk losing out on that other much more amazing party you get invited to last minute by your single friend who always, always gets you laid. Now what? You can’t possibly turn around and say no to the co-worker. You have to see them everyday and they will never get over it hence making work even more miserable than it is everyday already. You’re screwed. End of story.

Second, pretending you are too busy, have lots of options or simply are too good for people trying to hang out with you makes them want you even more. This kind of power is invaluable. Embrace. Use it to get things. (more on this in Tip #7 - Take advantage of people before they take advantage of you)

Always hold out for number one or you just might end up stepping in number two.  

Tips for Success in the Entertainment Industry

Tip# 9 - Want it less

Whether you want to be a comedian, an actor, musician or writer, wanting it too much will be your ultimate downfall. Desperation is a near guarantee that you’ll never attain the things in life you are after. Whether it’s a three picture deal at Universal or a threesome with your girlfriend, the more you want it the less chance you’ll ever get it.

The people you most want to impress and influence can smell the stink of desperation a mile away, get turned off by it and will shun you like the poor girl in elementary school that wore torn jeans and smelled like trash. It didn’t matter that her parents couldn’t afford new clothes or soap. One look at her desperate, starving face and all the kids on the playground instinctively hurled rocks at her everyday until she was forced to be tutored at home through high school graduation. This is simply an analogy and by no means represents a real incident or person especially not a girl named Cathy Sanders.

No matter how you really feel inside, or how many nights you cried yourself to sleep, or contemplated suicide if you should never reach your goals always be sure to bottle up those pesky emotions. The more people think you have it “together” and don’t really care the more they themselves will be desperate to work with you. It’s a lot like dating.

Remember, no one likes a “Cathy.”

Tips for Success in the Entertainment Industry

Tip #8 - Have superficial relationships

Creating strong bonds with other human beings although essential to a healthy and happy long life will actually prove to be a huge obstacle when you need to climb over them on your way to fame and power.

The rationale here is simple. The weaker the emotional connection to other human beings the easier it is to leave them behind, take advantage of them, deceive them for personal gain and completely erase them from ones memory once you reach the pinnacle of your aspirations.

People not as ambitious as you will do nothing more than hold you back and those as ambitious as you will do nothing more than create additional competition during your journey. Keep both of these types of people in check emotionally and you’ll have no problem dusting them under the rug when the time comes. And let’s face it, once you’re a huge success you’ll have access to better looking, more important people. Save your energy for them.

Tips for Success in the Entertainment Industry

Tip #7 - Have more childhood trauma

Childhood traumas come in all varieties. Like Tip #1 coming from a broken home, nearly all other traumatic events that take place from birth to late teens will cause irreversible emotional damage. What ever the trauma may be, your brain will bury it deep in the depths of your subconscious only to arise in the most unpredictable of ways years later. Some of you may grow up to be serial killers, but the lucky ones end up being super stars like Debbie Gibson.

Trauma may include such things as being teased at school for your horrendous overbite, that time you shit your pants while having dinner at a friends house or maybe you simply got the crap beat out of you by your alcoholic father while your mom laughed in the corner wearing nothing but a pink tube top and stockings.

Don’t just sit back and expect trauma to come to you though. You need to do your part and instigate it as much as possible. Wear your jeans inside-out to school and see how your peers react. Steal the family car and let a raccoon have sex with a squirrel in the backseat while the neighbors dog masturbates on the stick-shift. Or keep it simple and pee on the floor of a 7-11.

When it comes to unlocking the inner ingredients to success, repressed and horrific memories are better than four years at Julliard.

Tips for Success in the Entertainment Industry

Tip #4 - Have a more attractive face

It’s no secret, people gravitate towards attractive people and what we notice first is a person’s face. Not having an attractive face is not only a severe obstacle to success in the entertainment industry, but depending on your level of unattractiveness can mean the battle was over as soon as you started. No one likes unattractive people. We don’t trust them and are put off by their appearance. Science says so, not me.

Your face is the key to the door that will lead you toward your ultimate goal. Having an appealing face opens more doors. So, be sure to avoid common mistakes such as having a big or crooked nose, having stained teeth with larger than normal spaces between them and of course by no means should you ever have a lazy eye. That’s what we call in the industry a major face faux pas.

It is human nature to want to look at attractive things over unattractive things. The more people enjoy looking at you the more work they will offer you. Don’t blame the industry, blame God.

Disclaimer:

The above advice not applicable to comedy. If you are seeking a career in comedy you are better off being unattractive. Just ask Gilbert Gottfried. See previous post: Awkwardness & Comedy: The Perfect Formula.

Remember, people aren’t laughing at you they’re laughing with you.

Tips for Success in the Entertainment Industry

Tip #2 - Be more egocentric

Convincing others you are more important than they are starts with you believing undoubtedly that you are more important than they are. If you are not completely in love with yourself and truly believe the world deserves to bare witness to your brilliance then how can you expect anyone else to believe this too?

When discussing current affairs, be sure to spin it into a personal story. The suffering of poor and starving people in a third world country hit by a devastating volcano is nothing compared to that one time you had to stand in a subway car in NYC during the summer with no air conditioning on your way to that audition for a national TV commercial.

The more you do daily to convince people the world in fact circles around you the closer you’ll be to your ultimate goal.