Brian Lerner

Tips for Success in the Entertainment Industry

Tip# 9 - Want it less

Whether you want to be a comedian, an actor, musician or writer, wanting it too much will be your ultimate downfall. Desperation is a near guarantee that you’ll never attain the things in life you are after. Whether it’s a three picture deal at Universal or a threesome with your girlfriend, the more you want it the less chance you’ll ever get it.

The people you most want to impress and influence can smell the stink of desperation a mile away, get turned off by it and will shun you like the poor girl in elementary school that wore torn jeans and smelled like trash. It didn’t matter that her parents couldn’t afford new clothes or soap. One look at her desperate, starving face and all the kids on the playground instinctively hurled rocks at her everyday until she was forced to be tutored at home through high school graduation. This is simply an analogy and by no means represents a real incident or person especially not a girl named Cathy Sanders.

No matter how you really feel inside, or how many nights you cried yourself to sleep, or contemplated suicide if you should never reach your goals always be sure to bottle up those pesky emotions. The more people think you have it “together” and don’t really care the more they themselves will be desperate to work with you. It’s a lot like dating.

Remember, no one likes a “Cathy.”

Tips for Success in the Entertainment Industry

Tip #1 - Come from a broken home

Divorced parents are the ultimate trauma for people under the age of 20. Trauma gets processed in the brain and released out as creativity and an irrational unhealthy need to be accepted and praised. These two personality traits are integral to becoming famous and successful in the entertainment industry.

Whether you want to be an actor, musician or stand up comedian, having divorced parents puts you ahead of the competition.

Mack Truck Dave - 06

INT. SCHOOL BUS - AFTERNOON -

LISA FILMORE, Dave’s childhood friend, is sitting on the bus with her friend CATHY. Lisa is a cute, dark haired, dark clothes, new wave type of girl with a good heart. Cathy is a typical high school gossipy chick.

CATHY

It was amazing. Dave just came out of nowhere and sat down at the table with Joe.

LISA

And he won?

CATHY

Yes. He humiliated Joe in front of the entire cafeteria. I heard he’s really pissed. Dave better watch himself.

LISA

I can’t believe Dave did this. It’s not like him to draw attention.

CATHY

One day he’s the retard that no one talks to and the next he’s the retard everyone’s talking about. It’s amazing how fast a person can go from a nothing to a something.

LISA

(offended)

First of all, he’s not a retard. He’s just a little slower and innocent. And second, he’s no different today then any other day. So he won a stupid arm-wrestle. How is that going to change anything? The heartless wretches in this school will just continue to ignore and ridicule him.

The faint sounds of chanting creep onto the bus. It gradually gets louder when finally Lisa and Cathy can make out what is being said. “Mack Truck, Mack Truck.” Lisa and Cathy get up and look out the window to see Dave walking toward the bus, followed by a small group of kids doing the Mack Truck chant. Lisa looks at Cathy amazed.

CATHY

You’re right. Nothing’s going to

change.

As Dave gets on the bus, the kids slowly stop their chant and disperse to their seats. Dave walks to the back of the bus and sits alone. The bus pulls away.

LISA

(to Cathy)

I’ll be right back. 

Lisa gets up and walks to Dave at the back of the bus. She sits next to him. 

LISA (CONT’D)

Hi, Dave.

DAVE

Hi, Lisa.

LISA

Hey, so what was that chanting all about? You beat Joe Mazzarella in an arm-wrestle?

DAVE

Yep.

LISA

What made you want to arm-wrestle him?

DAVE

I don’t know. Everyone else does.

LISA

Haven’t I taught you anything? Since when do you care about everybody else? 

Dave shrugs.

LISA (CONT’D)

This is a really big deal you know. I mean, Joe is like some demented icon. You’ve got yourself a reputation to uphold now. 

DAVE

I didn’t think I’d really win.

LISA

Well, I’m glad you did. This could be good. Just don’t forget me when your famous, okay?

DAVE

I’ll try. 

LISA

Well, I’ll see you later.

DAVE

Okay. Bye, Lisa.

LISA

Bye, Dave.

Lisa gets up and sits back down with Cathy at the front of the bus.

CATHY

So, what did he say?

LISA

Nothing. He just wanted to fit in I think. It was no big deal for him. 

CATHY

Strong and modest. I love that.

LISA

Cathy, please.

CATHY

You know people used to think you were weird for hanging around with Mack Truck, but now they’ll probably envy you.

LISA

(offended again)

Why do you have to call him that?

That’s a horrible thing to say.

CATHY

I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you were so sensitive. 

(beat)

Why do you hang out with him so much anyway? I worry about your social life sometimes. You barely have one. 

LISA

I have one. It just doesn’t consist of getting drunk and throwing up every weekend. 

CATHY

(Offended)

Whatever. 

LISA

(feeling guilty)

Listen Cath, I don’t know if you know this, but I had an older brother. He got hit by a car when he was seven and died in the hospital a week later. I met Dave that same year and then he had his accident. I was so scared I was going to lose him too. Ever since I’ve felt like I need to protect him. So, that’s why I spend so much time with him I guess. 

CATHY

Wow. Did you ever think about getting therapy? 

LISA

(offended)

No. Thanks a lot. 

CATHY

Sorry. It’s just a little freaky that’s all. 

LISA

I remember when Dave was just plain old Dave. He was at my house just before the accident.

CUT TO:

FLASHBACK

INT. LISA’S BEDROOM - DAY - ELEVEN YEARS EARLIER

Dave, at age six, is sitting on the floor with a devilish grin. He wears a stethoscope and is listening to something with it off screen. 

LISA (O.S.)

Can you hear anything yet?

The camera pulls back to reveal Lisa, at age six, sitting in front of Dave. Dave has the stethoscope under her shirt. 

DAVE

Not yet.

Dave rubs the end of the stethoscope around on Lisa’s chest. His grin widens.

CUT TO:

Mack Truck Dave - 05

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

ANGLE ON the legs of the desks resting on the floor. The camera slowly dollies along a row. 

NARRATOR(V.O.)

Macky’s life up until that day was, you could say, simple. Uncomplicated, elementary, homogeneous, unornamented, stark…

The camera stops at a pair of dirty old sneakers. It tracks the sneakers up the person’s body until we see it is our narrator. He is reading from a thesaurus. He continues to read off synonyms before realizing the camera is on him. The teacher is heard taking attendance in the background.

NARRATOR (CONT’D)

guileless, ungarnished, unscalloped,

untessellated, un…

He notices the camera and, embarrassed, quickly hides the book and smiles with guilt.

NARRATOR (CONT’D)

(to camera)

Well, anyway, you get the idea.

The teacher yells a name.

TEACHER(O.S.)

Finklestein!

We are first introduced to the narrator. The teacher pronounces it (Fin-cal-steen). He corrects the teacher by pronouncing it (Fine-kul-stine).

FINKLESTEIN

That’s Finklestein you moron!

TEACHER(O.S.)

Out! I want you out right now! 

FINKLESTEIN takes his time gathering his things and getting out of his seat.

FINKLESTEIN

(to camera)

This is really embarrassing.

TEACHER(O.S.)

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Finklestein hurries out.

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - SAME

Finklestein walks slow through the halls, in no hurry to go to the principals office.

FINKLESTEIN

(to camera)

So, as I was saying, Mack Truck had it pretty easy for a guy that walked and talked so funny. Usually kids would use his misfortune as an excuse to be cruel and heartless. For some reason though, Dave never drew that kind of attention. Maybe they knew, even with their underdeveloped, pre- pubescent minds, that what happened to Dave could have happened to any of them. 

(beat)

What’s worse though? Being ridiculed or being ignored? 

Finklestein passes an extremely cute but younger group of girls.

FINKLESTEIN (CONT’D)

(to girls)

How you doin’?

The girls giggle and continue to walk.

FINKLESTEIN (CONT’D)

(to camera)

What? They’re legal.

(looking back at girls off camera)

Probably.

Finklestein turns a corner and reaches the stairs. Instead of stepping down them, he puts his ass on the rail and slides down. He makes it down the first half and lands on his feet at the landing. He tries again on the second half and goes off screen. He doesn’t make it this time.

SFX: CRASH

FINKLESTEIN(O.S.) (CONT’D)

Fuck!

CUT TO:

FLASHBACK

EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY

Dave as a small boy. He is walking with a group of boys down the street. The boys are laughing at something which Dave is oblivious to.

FINKLESTEIN(V.O.)

Now, of course there were rare occasions when someone would have their fun at Dave’s expense. But Dave never caught on.

It turns out that another boy, JIMMY BURGER, is a few steps behind and doing an impression of Dave’s walk.

FINKLESTEIN (CONT’D)

Jimmy Burger had been known for his perfected impression of Mack’s walking style.

EXT. DIRT ROAD - DAY

Jimmy Burger is riding a dirt bike with some friends on a dirt trail.

They are racing fast.

FINKLESTEIN(V.O.)

Years later though, Jimmy had a little accident.

Jimmy spots a dirt ramp. He speeds up, flies into the air and smacks into a tree. All his friends run over to see his bloodied body laying on the ground next to the tree. The tire from his bike is in frame spinning.

INT. HOSPITAL - DAY

Jimmy struggles to walk down the hospital hallway.

FINKLESTEIN(V.O.)

And he got a walk all his own.

INT. SCHOOL MAIN OFFICE - SAME -

Finklestein is seated right outside the principal’s office. The sign on the door reads, “Principal Boffler.”

FINKLESTEIN

Talk about fucking irony. It’s like Nostradomous. They say if you drink from the skull of Nostradomous you’ll get his power. A guy tried it once. He got a bullet in the back from a gun that wasn’t there. There’s some freaky shit in this world.

PRINCIPAL BOFFLER opens the door, seen only from the waist up.

BOFFLER

(angry)

Get in here.

FINKLESTEIN

(to camera)

This might take a while.

He gets up and follows the principal into the office. The door slams shut.

CUT TO: